Purple Rain

I  can't believe you are gone. Such a fucking legend.


이상하게 기억하기도 힘들정도 어렸을때 이 노래를 너무 좋아했고
이 노래가 티비에 나오면 난 앞에 앉아서 춤 추면서 같이 따라 불렀다
지금 들으면 옛날 생각 나서 더 좋은
요즘 어떤 한국 방송에 다시 나오는 이 노래

사랑은 스쳐지나가는
그런 물방울 같은 것을
비가 내리다 그치면
흔적만 내고 말라 사라지는 자국이라고

이해하며 느끼게 되고
단순하고 진부한 비교하는 말 따위는
나이가 들면 더더욱 진실같고 마음에 와닿게 된다는

이밤 왠지 그대가 내 곁에 올것만 같아
그대 떠나버린걸 난 지금 후회 안해요
그저 지난 세월이 내리는 빗물같아요
그렇지만 문득 그대 떠오를 때면
이 마음은 아파올거야
그누구나 세월가면 잊혀지지만
사랑은 창밖에 빗물같아요

이밤 그대 모습이 내 맘에 올것만 같아
그대 말은 안해도 난 지금 알 수 있어요
그저 지난 세월이 내리는 빗물같아요
그렇지만 문득 그대 떠오를 때면
이 마음은 아파올거야
그누구나 세월가면 잊혀지지만
사랑은 창밖에 빗물같아요
사랑은 창밖에 빗물같아요

My first Christmas holiday away from my family, first time in 17 years spending Christmas in Seoul.

november 16, 2016

I think everyone goes through moments of depression.
The crucial part of this is
When you're able to pull yourself out of it
And what you need to pull yourself out of it
And how drastic the measure is
in which you need to pull yourself out of

I like being alone because I process a lot of thoughts,
Read a lot of books,
Learn many things,
And watch a lot of movies
When I'm alone with nobody else to talk to
But it gets me restless
And sometimes I used to think it was good
That it made me a sensitive soul
But I think maybe I shouldn't be alone
And I am a rational person who usually doesn't like to show these things
To people

Maybe it's good I kept this blog.
Hardly anyone reads it
And I can talk about anything I want without feeling obligated to check for comments, tags, likes,
Those things don't matter
Those things shouldn't have ever mattered
It's just a weird time in the world's time,
I hope it's just a phase

Written on a plane, like most of my other thoughts

“It was so easy to blame the mother. Life a miserable contradiction, endless desire but limited supplies, your birth just a ticket to your death: why not blame the person who’d stuck you with a life? OK, maybe it was unfair. But your mother could always blame her own mother, who herself could blame the mother, and so on back to the Garden. People had been blaming the mother forever...”

— Excerpt from Jonathan Franzen’s Purity.

Five-hour redeye flight after a long day of shoot. I'm seated in a budget airline flying from Shanghai to Phuket. My mother is seated next to me. Our arms are intertwined and we share a u-neck pillow, both of our knees grazing the seat in front of us. She seems to slip in and out of sleep. I'm too tired to fall asleep, and my body itches from sitting for so long. My mind visits a million thought chambers. I decide to read Purity, the book I started on a while back.

This is the first time I am taking my mom on a mother-daughter holiday. And it should be acknowledged as a notable moment, as it marks the change in our relationship and our roles in each other's lives; I'm finally old enough and mature enough to break out of being so self-involved, to finally be the one that planned specifically to spend time with my mom withou a necessary purpose.

I had a lot of disdain towards life in general in my adolescence, but my biggest scorn was targeted at her. She was an easy target; back then, she seemed impossibly old-fashioned and anti-me (whatever that was). As an immigrant parent, she failed to speak my language, literately and figuratively, and the tiresome manner in which she stressed her wishes for me to pursue stability via a conventional path drove me further away from her. I was immature and wrapped up in my own life starring me as a protagonist and her as the Mom character. May sound stupid, but it took me decades to really realize she's a person, too, and that she was just doing what she knew best to make sure I would be taken care of, when or if she no longer could. She felt responsible for me.

It's the sort of a realization that makes you humble and human, but not without a sense of guilt. I tear up about it, because I'm a a hypersensitive idiot. But I think my mom understands it all; perhaps she too blamed her mom at a point. And as I think through all of this, I squeeze my mom's arm. It's soft, comforting, and all those warm homey things that are Mom, and I'm so thankful that I'm sitting in this plane with her beside me.